Tradition 5

Tradition Five                             

Before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous I did nothing but argue and thought of nobody but myself, and then by the grace of God I ended up in Alcoholics Anonymous via a treatment centre. While I was in treatment I was taught to talk about my feelings, and becoming self–centred seemed to be actively encouraged. (This may of course be my perception as a self-centred, selfish alcoholic). I used to attend meetings and even though they read Tradition 5 out at a lot of them, I still did not get the concept.

I thought a meeting was a place I went to talk about how bad I felt. After being in Alcoholics Anonymous feeling miserable and suicidal and craving a drink for a long time, I was fortunate enough to stumble upon a group that was taking Tradition Five very seriously. In fact it was at the centre of everything they did to make the meeting as it should be.

Our fifth Tradition states that our primary purpose is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. I have learned in my time in Alcoholics Anonymous, that I have never felt better for talking about how bad I feel. I always feel better for trying to think of what I can give in a meeting rather than take. I always feel better if whatever service I am doing, it is to the best of my ability with the newcomer uppermost in mind.

The two things that save my life when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous were people sharing their experience, strength and hope, and the identification. It was very important that I identified with what the people said to me. The identification gave me just enough blind faith to think maybe, just maybe I am like these people, and maybe, just maybe the A.A. thing can work for me. If people had been talking about gambling or drug addiction it would not have had the same effect. Our primary purpose is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers not the drug addict, food addict or compulsive gambler.

Road to Recovery Group, Plymouth Alcoholics Anonymous

Growing up with Service

I’m so grateful to have found AA and to have also found what my problem really is - and that’s Self-centredness and Selfishness. I didn’t believe it at first. I honestly thought it was everyone else’s fault that I continued to drink and that I was the victim in it all. But halfway through the 12 steps I could see this wasn’t so. I can now look back and see that before I had started drinking, these defects of character were with me.  But that was nothing compared to what these were like after a few years of daily drinking.  I started to get nervous and paranoid around my friends and even had to have a drink before I went out. Then it came to the stage when I wasn’t able to go out at all and started to cut myself off from the world.  Then years later I came to the part of my life which should have been my proudest and that was becoming a father. But all that did was get in the way of  my drinking and my partner and children suffered for it.  I tried to put the drink down and do the right thing, but I would become so angry and irritable that I would have to pick up again.

This cycle of events continued for two more years until there came a point where I had hurt everyone around me and had nowhere to go.  Drink had stopped doing the trick, I was in total despair and even started thinking of suicide. This, thank God, is when I eventually ended up in my first meeting of AA. My mum phoned the helpline and was put in touch with a chap who invited me to go to a meeting.  After I had attended a few meetings I got myself a sponsor and started the 12 step programme of recovery, of which service is a massive part!

My group is where I started service. First I was asked to do the sweeping outside the venue. This was easy and my sort of job. Unfortunately I couldn’t stay in that position forever and found myself moved to tea and coffee. I found this uncomfortable at first because I was afraid of messing up and looking stupid. But the more I listened to others and followed how they did it, the easier it became.

Then the chance came to do the literature position. When I started it, I remember people would put their drinks on the table where the books were kept and I would have to tell them to remove them and this was extremely uncomfortable. As in the past I would let people get away with things just for an easy life, but then beat myself up because I was to spineless to say anything. I used to hate myself for being like that. But now, in recovery, my life was on the line, I had to start taking responsibility for my recovery and service was a big part of it. From dealing with these situations I was becoming more responsible and growing more into an adult.  I have also had the privilege of being the secretary of my home group, where I have had to stand up in front of 60 plus people and take the meeting.  Sometimes I’ve been told that I’ve done things wrong and this has hurt my pride a lot, but instead of having a tantrum I’ve kept my mouth shut. That’s a massive change. Before, if anyone criticized me I would keep it in and hate them for it. Now, Im truly able to learn from it and be a better person.

I’ve also been our group's newcomer officer, where I've called homeless hostels offering lifts to meetings, and made sure that the newcomer in the meeting is made welcome. I’ve been a responder on the AA helpline for over 4 years.  Over those years I’ve heard a lot of desperate people in tears and it reminds me of how it used to be for me.  Hopefully I’ve been able to help some of these people find what I have found and recreate their lives again.
 Service and the 12 steps have changed me so much, It has put me on a path which really makes me feel that Im going somewhere.  I am able to be a decent father today and help my children with their problems and fears. Me and the Missus rarely argue and we have so much fun in are home now. Where as before, it truly was a battle ground.

Regarding work, I tried to be a plasterer before coming into AA but had no confidence in myself so I just gave it up as usual. But after going through the 12 steps I’ve been able to take it up again. And now I’ve been working for myself as a self-employed plasterer for the last 4 years. Recently I’ve gone back to college and passed a counselling course. I know this is a bit different from being a plasterer but I feel at my best when I'm working with others and that’s a miracle from someone who couldn’t look you in the eye.

I truly feel part of this world today, I have friends and I know how to be a friend.  I’ve learnt so much in Alcoholics Anonymous because I started to take responsibility.  I do not think or feel the same way as I used to, because I'm no longer trapped in resentment and self.  Today I feel I have so much potential and drive in life, I really have come alive. For over 8 years now I can look back and see that service has changed me so much and has enabled me to change into a responsible adult. Before, I used to be such a people pleaser and unable to speak up for myself.  People used to walk all over me which made me angry and resentful, and resulted in me drinking more to deal with it.  With service I feel that I’ve grown up and able to deal with life at last. I continue to move forward in my service and hope to be the PI officer for our intergroup (which I don’t feel I can do, but I know that with the support and experience around me, I just need to ask and I'm sure I can move forward more.)

AA, service and sponsorship give me a life that I never thought was possible. Life is far from pointless today, anything is possible. And this is from someone that wanted to end it all, before it even started.

Road to Recovery Group, Plymouth Alcoholics Anonymous

Dr Bob and the Good Oldtimers

This AA history book is the official biography of one of AAs co-founders, Dr Bob, and the rise of AA in Midwest America. It was published in 1980 and covers Dr Bobs life from growing up in Vermont in the 1880s to his death in November 1950.

I was introduced to this book by my sponsor and my curiosity really. Having worked through the Twelve Steps of AA and recovered from a seemingly hopeless condition of mind and body, I was enthusiastic to learn more about this fellowship that had changed my life in such a short period of time. The first book I read, other than the Big Book and the Twelve and Twelve, was AA comes of Age. This gave me an overview of the history of AA and how various aspects of the AA Traditions came about so that I could be more informed about AA, as I was shortly able to start sponsoring newcomers. The next book I picked up was Dr Bob and the Good Oldtimers.

The first thing I do with books is have a flick through and see if there’s any photos or pictures – and I wasn’t disappointed! As well as the history which is described by people who were there, there’s also amazing pictures of the early names and places involved in AA. They are all there: Dr Bob and his wife Anne at various stages in their lives, Henrietta Seiberling (who first introduced the co-founders to each other), The Williamses who allowed their house to be used for meetings by ‘the alcoholic squad’, St Thomas’ Hospital where Dr Bob and Sister Ignatia worked on many suffering alcoholics, Kings School in Akron where Dr Bobs home group met, and my favourite – Dr Bob and Bill W sat side-by-side.

The book uses accounts and descriptions of what happened, told by people who were there witnessing it first-hand. It charts Dr Bob’s life from school to medical college to his working life, all of which were blighted by his alcoholism. It then goes on to describe how he came to meet Bill Wilson and his and others’ involvement and subsequent departure from the Oxford Group. Working with newcomers is discussed as are the many growing pains and lessons learned by the young fellowship of AA, all of which have moulded the AA that we know and love today – and more importantly for me the AA that saved my life. The book ends by describing the last year or so of Dr Bob’s life, as failing health eventually lead to his death on 16 November 1950, and a sombre picture of Bill Wilson paying respects at his friend’s grave.

I’ve read this book many times over the years and I think with each reading I come to admire, respect and appreciate the people and chain of events that occurred. Using a word taken from the Big Book – I ‘urge’ you to read this book as it will enrich your understanding and appreciation of AA and the sober life that we are now able to enjoy.

Road to Recovery Group, Alcoholics Anonymous Plymouth

We Don’t Swallow Spiders: The Myth of AA Cults

About 10 years ago on BBC Radio 1 a popular presenter said something like “Here’s a scary fact. Apparently we swallow on average 3 spiders a year while sleeping.” There were many sounds of disgust and shock heard in the studio, and this fact presumably gave many British arachnophobics a whole new image of what went on in their bedrooms at night!

However, this statistic is now well known to be false and manufactured. It was a factoid that circulated rapidly around the world, even ending up in books and on the BBC, but its roots were entirely erroneous. It was not true. The world is full of these false ideas that spread like viruses. One of the reasons they spread is because they appeal to something in us. Yes, it’s true that spiders may well crawl around our bedroom at night. Yes its true that we probably could swallow something small while sleeping, without realizing it. When these are combined with the dramatic nature of the idea and people we trust stating it with certainty – you have the recipe for a lie that has the ring of truth.

A similar thing has happened in the last decade or so in Alcoholics Anonymous. The idea has begun circulating that AA contains groups that are actually harmful cults. This idea has spread rapidly for similar reasons to the spider-swallowing myth. It has a number of elements that appear to have some truth, and it is a highly dramatic claim. However, like the spider-swallowing meme, it is entirely erroneous and comes from a misunderstanding of what makes dangerous cults so dangerous.

Dangerous cults are considered dangerous mainly because they isolate members from mainstream society and from their family, or cause physical damage (through tiredness and malnutrition).

However - as an aid to identifying cults, lists of common elements are often put together. This can be helpful. But it is not these common elements that are the danger. The main danger is that such cults isolate members from mainstream society and from their family, or cause physical damage. It is a fallacy to say that because a group has some of the elements helpful in identification, that it is a dangerous cult. It’s like saying that because somebody is hot and coughs after a jog that they must have bird flu.

Some common elements listed are: strong leaders, and a willingness to submit to the group beliefs and activities against one's own will. Now in Alcoholics Anonymous these elements are not uncommon. There are “strong sponsors” and charismatic people whom AA groups form around. There are people who will go to their home group on the night of their birthday, delaying their birthday meal to the next day. You will find wives arguing with husbands that she can't be with the children one evening because she needs to go and do an AA talk at a hospital.

The book Alcoholics Anonymous discusses how partners may be jealous of the time that spouses spend working with other alcoholics. It talks about how an AA member may occasionally be accused by their family of neglecting them. However it says this is all a normal part of the process of development. You also find members talking about how their sponsor told them to do something and they didn’t want to do it but they still did it.

There are many characters in AA, strong leaders who are outspoken and often build and lead large AA groups. They are greatly looked up to by their sponsees. There is an element of hero worship for sure. People may often value the comments of their sponsors as much as those of their spouse or religious leader. Members of a group may also sit in a group business meeting feeling uncomfortable with the way the group is moving policy wise, or the way it is influenced by certain people – but they choose to submit to the group.

Now some commentators have taken the above not-uncommon incidents in AA worldwide, and thought: “if some common elements listed in dangerous cults are strong leaders, and a willingness to submit to the group beliefs and activities against ones own will, then if these things happen in an AA group, it must mean those parts of AA are a dangerous cult!” Presumably these people would also diagnose someone who’s just done a half-marathon as having bird flu…

The diagnosis is erroneous because cults are not dangerous due to those elements, those elements are just used to help to identify them. The factors that make a cult dangerous are when it isolates members from mainstream society and from their family, or causes physical damage.

Ask any AA member with one of these “strong” home groups or “strong” sponsors whether they are more isolated from their family before or after getting sober. The question is almost laughable. The AA book talks about how members spend much of their spare time working with other alcoholics. In a dangerous cult members are literally kept away from their families by physical and psychological manipulation. The above AA members are closer and have better relationships with their families than they did before recovering.

As a challenge, try to find a person in one of these AA cults who has recovered and who is not much closer to their family than before. Go to one of the websites of one of the “cult” AA groups and read or listen to a few of their stories. Also read the stories of members of actual dangerous cults. It is in fact an insult to victims of real dangerous cults, and the awful things they and their families went through, for small-minded people to try and compare it to what happens to people in certain parts of AA.

What about the idea that a dangerous cult isolates people from mainstream society? Does this happen in some parts of AA? However, listen to or read a few stories on their websites. These folks are successful in business, joining religious communities, starting new hobbies. They are becoming far more a part of the community - physically and emotionally. Likewise, compare this to the story of members of real dangerous cults.

The issue of the physical damage, sleep deprivation and malnutrition that real dangerous cults do is obviously irrelevant here. But have a read of some stories of members of dangerous cults. Amazingly this really does happen in these organisations. You will be shocked at some of the stories of people and families who have suffered in this way. Dangerous cults are an emotional and dramatic issue. A little like swallowing spiders in your sleep.

Road to Recovery Group of Alcoholics Anonymous Plymouth UK